River in the Wonderverse
by yesimadramaqueen
Summary: A short, pointless story based on the beloved children's book. All of the crew is there, and some other guest stars. Totally wacky. More than one pairing. Info inside.
1. Chapter 1

**River in the Wonderverse**  
Based on the novel, _Alice in Wonderland_ with influences from the Disney movie and Tim Burton's rendition  
Summary: River decides to follow a curious rabbit, only to tumble into a crazy 'verse full of odd creatures that look like her crew and other familiar faces  
Timeline: Post-BDM  
Ships: Mal/River; Mal/Inara; Wash/Zoe; Simon/Kaylee; and others!  
A/N: For those who haven't read the books, Tweedledum and Tweedledee are really in the sequel, _Through the Looking Glass_. I thought I'd put this here to make some sense of a joke in a later chapter, just in case.

**-.-.-**

River was getting very tired of sitting by her brother on the bank, and of having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the book her brother was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, '_and what is the use of a book_,' thought River, '_without pictures, conversation, or formulas of relativity in relation to respective points of centrifugal force throughout the 'verse?_'

The planet they had landed on was the dullest in all of the Red Sun. While the others had fun things to do, Simon insisted that she stay with him. She stuck out her bottom lip and batted her eyes at her captain until he caved, forcing the older Tam to take her out and about for the day.

So, there they were on the bank of a brook—it was too small to be a stream and too large to be a creek—and she was still uninterested. Simon brought along some book she would have read when she was five years old. He had his serious face on, which gave her a mischievous idea. She gingerly put her bare foot into the water, mentally calculating the angle and force required, and splashed him. The muddy water found its mark on his face and perfect white shirt. He lowered his book and scowled at the stains.

"River—"

"Got you."

"Brat," he smirked, quickly returning to anger. "Do you know how hard it is to do laundry out here? This was my last clean shirt!"

"And vest. Has spots. Like a Dalmatian."

"Dalmatian?"

"Black and white dog from Earth-that-was. White fur, black dots. Woof."

He grimaced. "I don't want the stains to set. Let's go back to the ship."

"No. Captain said I could stay out."

"Well, I'm your brother, and I say we're going back."

"Not your ship. I'll be good. Only ninety-two and three thousand, five hundred, forty-four ten-thousandth meters from the ship."

"We're in the middle of nowhere. What if—"

She sighed and adjusted her dress, cutting him off, "Eighteen now. Secret's out. Safe."

"But River…" he faltered, already loosing the argument.

"Don't you trust me?" she pouted.

"Of course I do, mei-mei."

"Then I can wait here?"

He frowned, but nodded. "If you leave, you will be punished. I won't let you fly the ship."

"_Not your ship_. Captain likes it when I fly. Won't listen to you."

"Since when did Mal like you so much?" She grinned and he held his hands up. "Never mind. I'll just ask _him_…"

Simon wandered off and she stretched out in the warm sun. A soft rustling caught her attention and she looked around. No thoughts came to her, so it had to be an animal of some sort. She was about to ignore it, but a large, white rabbit hopped right over her. It wasn't any rabbit. No, this rabbit was sporting a shiny, brown vest. Not only that, but it talked.

"I'm late! Oh _ruozhi hou duolou_, I'm late!"

Her brow drew in confusion. How did the rabbit have Simon's voice?

She stood and looked towards the ship. Simon was probably busy confronting the captain, so she had some time to see what was up with the bunny. She began to chase after it, leaping gracefully over logs and ducking under brush. The rabbit continued to hop until it reached a hole beneath a dead oak tree. It paused and then vanished through the opening. She stood on the edge of the pit, gazing downward. The ledge gave way and she began to fall.

She tumbled down and down, further and further into wherever she was going. Strange things floated around her, as if gravity didn't exist. Of course, it did, the laws of logic said so. Nothing was logical about this predicament, she knew. There was a rabbit in a vest with Simon's voice, and the dimensions of the hole were in no way correct or consistent with the dimensions and density of the surroundings.

She tumbled down and down, further and further into the curious pit. Objects came at her from all angles: Jayne's guitar, playing by itself; fruity oaty bars, complete with singing girls; several apples, all with bites out of them; pages from Book's Bible, ripped out and corrected; a few of Wash's dinosaur toys, the stegosaurs and the T-rex; Kaylee's jacks, with the ball; Simon's needles, full of soothers; Captain's coat, waving at her; and finally, a cow.

She tumbled down and down, further and further into something flat and solid. The falling had stopped, and she found herself on the floor of a small room. Doors of all shapes and sizes lined the circular walls. She tried to open them all, but they were all locked. Then, she attempted to kick them down, but nothing worked. Her feet took her backwards as she assessed the structural components of the room, constructing an escape route. She ran into a small table with a key and vile on it.

The key was like any other key, but she could tell just by inspecting the ridges which door it opened. However, there was a problem. The door was only big enough for say, a _rabbit_ to get through. She sighed and found the vile, which read, "_Drink me_." It didn't seem safe, given her mistrust in all things drug related. She sniffed it and all it seemed to be was a shot of Kaylee's engine wine. Wine wasn't something she was supposed to have, but a little bit wouldn't hurt…

It ran hot down the back of her throat and she quickly dropped it, coughing and sputtering. Now she saw why it was called 'engine' wine; only the engine enjoyed it. Then, she realized that the room was moving. It was growing larger—no, _she_ was growing _smaller_.

Well, the door was easy to get through, but she failed to grab the key to open it. It wasn't a problem. She easily scaled the table and retrieved it, landing silently on the ground below just moments later. A quirky cake, no bigger than a .22 caliber bullet, sat on the floor on a neat tray. There were Chinese characters on the frosting.

"_Eat me_," she read aloud. "Logically speaking, if the wine would cause my size to decrease at a rapid velocity of twelve centimeters per second, there is a high probability that the cake would do the opposite and cause me to increase in height."

She pinched a corner of it off and placed it in her dress pocket for safe keeping. Then, it was the simple matter of using the proper force and the pull of the planet's core to lift the cumbersome key into the keyhole and turn it. Once she did, the door seemed to magically open, leading her into an entire new world of peculiarities and oddness.

(_ruozhi hou duolou- retarded monkey poop)_


	2. Chapter 2

Jubilant greenery and scenery lit up the horizon. River stood in the doorway, taking it all in. It was unlike anything she had seen before. She stepped out into the grass, deciding to return to her normal size. The cake tasted like protein soup, but she was correct in her assumption of growth. In her expansion, she toppled head first, into a fast-moving brook. It carried her at an alarming rate, one that she could scarcely keep track of in her brain.

"This is shiny!" a voice exclaimed from somewhere behind her.

She turned to look, inquiring, "Kaylee?"

"Kay wee what?" a tiny mouse giggled. "I ain't ever heard of that before!"

It sounded just like Kaylee. River could swear it was her.

"What brings you here? You're a real beauty, you know. Folk 'round here don't look like you…" the mouse continued.

"Followed a rabbit in a vest. Sounded like my brother. Did you see him?"

"Who? The rabbit or the brother? Or is your brother a rabbit? Or is a rabbit your brother?"

"The rabbit."

The mouse giggled again. "Na. I just got here! But he sounds real shiny."

"My brother or the rabbit?"

"What's the difference?"

"Simon isn't a rabbit."

"But you said he was."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

Their argument was interrupted by a startling stream of other animals sifting by. Most of them continued downstream without much thought, but one stayed back. It was a large, burly bird. It looked over at the two of them and grunted loudly, "Who's the girl?"

"Don't know. Didn't get her name," the mouse answered.

"Well?" the bird asked.

River's eyelids grew further apart in surprise. "Jayne?"

"What?" the bird laughed. "I ain't no girl. I'm a dodo bird."

She chuckled. Of course a dodo would have Jayne's voice. Things were too weird for her. There were rabbits with Simon's vest, mice with Kaylee's voice, and dodos with…well, that much made sense.

"You didn't answer, girl. What are you?"

"River. Homo sapiens, a mammal—"

"A what? You sure talk fancy!" the mouse commented with a great grin.

"Don't bother askin' her that! We're here already!" the dodo snapped as they rapidly slid onto the shore.

River stood, gazing down at her sopping wet dress. The dodo and mouse were dripping too, but the mouse looked on the bright side, "At least it isn't raining!"

"Do you always have to be so gorram cheerful?" the dodo whined. "We need ta get dry, so I say we have a race!"

"A race sounds like fun!" the mouse agreed.

"Irrelevant. Here for a rabbit," River deadpanned thoughtfully.

"Well, genius, find your own ruttin' way ta dry off then!"

"Be nice! She's new!" the mouse chided. "Let's race! Where to?"

"How's about in a circle?"

River frowned to herself. What was the point of a race in a circle?

"Ready, go!" the mouse cried as she darted around a rock in the sand. The dodo quickly pursued her, cursing about how she cheated.

They ran around and around. River watched them and finally decided it was best to go look for the rabbit again. She left them to their race, and began to meander down the rows and rows of trees.

It almost seemed like they were watching her, bending in the wind to follow her with their gaze. Trees didn't have a gaze, though, she knew. But here, where animals talked like her crew, maybe they did. The shrubbery beneath the branches hissed and sighed like something resided in them. Her feet halted and she snapped a sharp piece of wood from a nearby tree, just in case she needed to kill them.

The first man leapt out into her path. "Looking for someone?"

The second followed suit, "Looking for someone?"

She looked between them, finding little difference in their appearance and voices. However, they were familiar. Then it hit her. "Fanty and Mingo?"

"No, I'm Tweedledee."

"I'm Tweedledum."

"Actually, I'm Tweedledum and he's Tweedledee."

"Am not! You're Tweedledee!"

"Yeah…he's right."

River gave them a quick once-over and skimmed their minds, but nothing was there.

"How would you like to hear a story?" the one called Tweedledum asked, continuing, "Well, it starts out—"

"Wait, she's not Alice…" Tweedledee pointed out.

"What?"

"She's not Alice and the Red King isn't here…"

Tweedledum looked over his shoulder. "Oh, he isn't."

"We went down the rabbit hole and not through the looking glass…again!"

"Well, that's what happens when we get twitchy."

Tweedledee gave River a wry smile. "So long precious."

After he disappeared behind the shrub, Tweedledum mimicked the same wry smile, "So long precious," and vanished.

She took a moment to process the tangent the twins dragged her on, and then continued through the curvy path. The trees started to dwindle, and up ahead was a clearing. Teeth-like edges fenced in a tiny cabin. She felt like she'd seen it somewhere before, or seen it in someone's mind. Cautiously, she approached the gate, unsure of what waited for her beyond the threshold.


	3. Chapter 3

Her hand moved to unclose the latch when the voice called to her.

"Oh good, you can go in there and get the Duchess her clothes and lipstick."

She pivoted to it, and sure enough there was the rabbit. "Simon?"

"No, I'm sorry. You must have me confused with someone else. Look, the Duchess will be very upset if she doesn't have her clothes and lipstick for the game later. She left them here with someone she 'met' last night. You're already on the way in. Could you grab them for me?" the rabbit politely asked.

She considered it, and since the rabbit reminded her so much of her brother, agreed. "Yes. What do they look like?"

"They aren't easily mistaken."

Her head nodded contemplatively, and she progressed into the cabin. It wasn't very big or extravagant. The outside had been quite attractive, the inside was rather disappointing. She ghosted through, looking for the clothes the rabbit had asked for. He was right; they were easy to find. They were made of sleek leather and brought up a memory of someone—but River couldn't place whom it was. She gathered them and the silver tube of lipstick.

"Well, 'ello there…" an all too familiar brogue drawled.

She slowly faced the little lizard. "Badger."

"Bill, actually, but eh…close enough. Bill the Lizard, to be 'xact. An' you are?"

"River."

"I like that name. 'Ow about you stay for a bit an' 'ave a drink with me?"

"I have to be going."

"So soon, love?" he glowered, taking a sly step towards her.

Her feet instinctively took her a length backwards. "Have to get these to the Duchess. Rabbit-brother said so."

"Duchess you say? I don't like 'er one bit! You know what she did? She came over last night and it wasn't three shakes of a lamb's tail before I blacked out! Then she stole all my things! Well, I stole 'em first…I guess now I know what it's like to 'ave been robbed…not a pleasant feeling…" he paused and then grinned. "In any case, the Duchess can wait. Sit."

He pointed to a chair and had Badger's bug-eyed look of determination. She reluctantly sat, grasping a letter opener, just in case. Bill—Badger—placed a bowler hat on his head and happily poured two glasses of wine.

"Where you from, li'l one?" he inquired flirtatiously, passing her the glass.

"Biologically or planetary speaking?"

"You talk fancy. I'll jus' assume that means you aren't from 'round these parts. Tell me, do you like criminals? 'Cause if you like criminals then I'm your criminal who's criminal record is criminally esteemed for the crimes me 'an my bunch of criminals 'as done. But really one is only a criminal if they've done the crime and I just find the crime for the criminals to do. Still, I've been in the lock up for my criminal involvement in the crimes my criminals 'ave done, but I was found criminally insane and ruled not a criminal after all. So technically, I'm just a mad criminal."

She rolled her eyes. Even as a lizard he was just as pathetic. "Not right in the head," she muttered to herself.

"Go ahead and drink up," he told her, drinking from his own glass.

Somehow, she knew she shouldn't. Perhaps it was the same pungent odor of Kaylee's engine wine that gave her pause. She set the glass aside and stood, politely smiling, "No thank you. Must be going."

He moved to block her way. "Not so fast, li'l one. You need to try some cake. You're a guest in my 'ouse. I 'ave to be a good host."

She hesitated as he magically produced a small slice of cake from the coffee table, which oddly enough, was made of mugs. The cake said "_Eat me_" on it and she quickly waved it off, recalling the sudden growth from earlier.

"No," she stated. "Must be going."

He held her back with a slimy hand. "I'd like it if you stayed."

"Can't. Rabbit-brother is waiting."

"Then 'ow's about a kiss goodbye?"

Her face pulled together. This Bill—Badger—was a pushy one. She wasn't about to kiss the slime bucket, but he wasn't about to let her leave. Oh well. Captain had thought about beating the varmint before. She may as well. It'd be the most effective method to save time for the rabbit-brother outside.

She punched him and swiftly kicked him into the fireplace. He fell against the bricks, hollering and shouting. It didn't take too much pressure or leverage to send him sky high through the chimney, but her foot got soot on it. She frowned and wiped it off on his rug, brightly exiting to the yard.

Bill—Badger—landed in his apple tree. He seemed unhurt, other than the bruises she had given him before he fell in the tree. She went over to the nervous bunny, who kept checking the time. He looked up and saw her, relief easing the worry lines on his fur.

"You have them! Oh good! Thank you! I'm late!" he cried as he took the clothes and lipstick from her.

She thought about following him again, but the real Simon would be getting worried about her. So, she started to amble down another path, hoping to find a way out of the crazy hole she fell through.


	4. Chapter 4

She must have taken a wrong turn. The thicket twined into a thicker mass and any sign of life had dwindled. She was in the middle of a forest with no way out that she would find or compute. The sky wasn't like a normal sky. The sun and clouds continued to swap places until she grew dizzy. Time was forgotten in this place, as was location. Her eyelids sagged, and she decided to take a rest.

The grass was cool and tickling beneath her skin. She sat against a rough tree trunk and sighed. Simon had to be concerned. She'd surely be in trouble when she got home. Her thought was disrupted as a cough came on. She coughed and coughed, realizing that smoke curled around her face like a halo. It smelled like the cigars Jayne smoked. But Jayne was a dodo. Who was smoking?

"Who are you?" a voice called.

Her pupils dropped to a mushroom a foot from her knee. A tiny, blue caterpillar lounged there, cigar in hand. She dropped beside it, looking carefully. She recognized the eyes and the terrifying mass of hair.

"Shepherd Book?" she asked, although she knew he'd say he wasn't.

"No. And you are?"

"River."

"And what brings you here?"

"A rabbit in a vest."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Ah hmmm. I see."

"Can't find my way back."

"You're in luck. I used to be a shepherd. I lead all."

"With the broken book."

"What book?"

"The Bible," she answered, mindlessly plucking at the blades of green forage.

He made another low sound and said, "No. I lead with the Elbib."

"That's Bible backwards."

"No, it's Elbib forwards."

"That doesn't make sense. Do you know about Noah's Ark?"

The caterpillar laughed, exhaling a large puff of gray. "I think you mean Oah's Nark."

"Oah's Nark?"

"Oah spent a day taking apart a man that told Dog about Oah's plan to dry out the flood of the earth."

"No. _Noah _spent a day _building_ an _ark_ for when _God flooded_ the earth."

"That doesn't make sense."

"I know! It's mathematically impossible to build an ark in a day large enough to support two of every species on the planet. It would be too dense to float when the water came."

"No, I mean that it doesn't make sense because that's all wrong! What book are you reading?"

"The Bible."

"It's the _Elbib_. One must have no faith in Dog to go down the right path."

"No faith?" she frowned. He always believed in faith. Everything he was saying was mixed up and backwards.

"Faith is a bad thing. Belief is wrong. Now, tell me why you're lost and I can help guide you with my doubt."

"You're not being logical. Doubt is no way to guide."

"It's the only way! Logic doesn't play a part here. You need to learn that."

"Without logic, nothing exists! Mathematical equations and physics formulas are the only way to comprehend!"

"Nonsense! You needn't comprehend anything! Just be as you are and are as you be. Be as are you and disbelieve as be you are. You see?"

He was even more outlandish here than he was when he was alive. She leaned on her hands and tried to read him. Nothing came to her. He blew a haze of smoke into her eyes and pointedly reminded her, "I'm waiting to help…"

"Got turned around. Can't find home. Simon will be worried."

"Well, just keep walking. I guess you'll maybe be able to find your way."

She scowled. Some help. He seemed pleased with his advice and suddenly began to crawl off his mushroom.

"Where are you going?" she asked, sad to see Book leave once again.

"I have more people to help. Goodbye for now, River."

He faded into a large barberry bush. She reluctantly stood and wandered further into the tangle of plants. They were a mess, piled-high like walls in a maze. She wove through them, anxiety rising steadily in her chest. Her legs broke out into a run and she darted with the bends and turns of the path until she came to another picket fence. This one was plain and broken, like some of the western towns the ship often landed in.

With some apprehension, she opened the latch and peered around the hedge of unkempt greenery in her line of sight. A decent home sat just around the corner. It intrigued her, so she moved stealthily to it. The ground was soggy and silent, un-answering to the pads of her feet. But then, a dull, and still striking, noise sounded behind her.

She found a stick and kicked into her hand, spinning on her heel to face the foe. A frog in a blue outfit held up its hands, peacefully hopping in reverse.

"There is no need for that," he said calmly. "We may talk like civilized amphibians. I will not harm you."

Chills scurried down her spine and the breath left her lungs. The Operative had returned.


	5. Chapter 5

"You," she gasped, raising the stick. "Alliance man."

"No, no. I left that work. I've found a new cause to disbelieve in. Why are you visiting the Duchess, strange, large one?" he wondered, placing his hands behind his back and pacing like the real Operative would.

"Just trying to get home."

"Ah. You're lost."

"Yes."

He moved towards her. "The Duchess is hard at work. I don't think she'd appreciate being bothered."

River took a moment to ponder who the Duchess would be. She couldn't reach a proper hypothesis, so she asked, "Who's the Duchess?"

"_Who's the Duchess_? That's like asking what the Eblib is! It's a commandment!" he gaped.

"You mean a sin," she corrected.

"No. There are the negative ten sins that we must agree to follow and commandments are the things we mustn't do. Surely you were aware of that."

She recalled that the Eblib was the exact opposite of the Bible, so it made some logical sense, unlike everything else in this place.

"You really don't know about the Duchess?" he repeated. "This must be fixed! Come with me, strange, large one."

He began to hop in the direction of the house. She decided to follow, hoping the Duchess would be sensible and able to lead her home. The frog opened the door—with some difficulty—and led her into the kitchen.

"_Watch out ya scoundrel!_" a voice shouted as a pot hurtled through the air.

River ducked and looked up at the large man cooking soup. Her jaw dropped. She'd know the man from Captain's head anywhere. "Monty?" she gaped. What was he doing there?

"Na, I'm the cook! I need more gorram pepper for the soup!" he snapped, adding a copious amount of pepper corns into the concoction. She sneezed and he sighed, "I can't look at soup again without bein' reminded my beard is gone…"

He went back to the pepper and the frog told River, "Stay here. I'll go get the Duchess for a brief meeting before her game tonight. Be on your best behavior."

The frog leapt behind a corner and Monty—the cook—started to talk to himself about his beard and noble, bachelor ranks.

"Do not fear me; ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony…" another voice hummed close to her ear. She turned to look, but nothing was there. Suddenly, a striped cat floated over her shoulder, exclaiming, "I'm a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar!"

"Wash?" she said unsurely.

The cat landed on the table and smiled. "Wash, you say? Well, I do bathe, but I prefer to do so in private."

"He doesn't," Monty growled, tossing an entire container of pepper into the stew. "He always does it right in front of me ever since he showed up here!"

"Curse you sudden, but inevitable, betrayal!"

"Why are you here?" River pondered aloud.

"Funny story actually. I was married, but then I sorta died, and now I'm just a floaty ghost thing and the Duchess has this evil power of seduction. She roped my spirit into hanging out here, so I'm just her call-kitty. My wife is still around and she's pretty upset with me, but I can't exactly leave unless the Duchess says. Yada yada yada…" the cat rambled, ending with a sleepy purr.

"That's how I'm here. Roped into it by her evil seduction. The frog too," Monty growled bitterly. "That's why I add the spice to the food. Maybe she'll get rid of me if I do a bad job."

The frog reentered and cleared his throat with a mighty cough. "The Duchess," he announced.

Out walked a familiar foe with fiery hair. Now it made some sense; the lipstick, the clothes, the cabin, Monty, Wash…

"Saffron," River hissed. "Thief."

"How dare you! This is the lovely Duchess!" the frog roared.

Saffron reached out and patted the frog on the head. He melted under her hand. It made River sick.

"Now, now. Our guest doesn't know about me. I'm the Duchess."

"Thief," River repeated. "Red-headed trickster! Seductress!"

The frog moved forward, removing a butter knife from his sheath. "No one talks to the Duchess that way! Her cause is a noble one! Tell her, Duchess!"

"I'm 'taking back' things that were stolen and selling them for 'sick kids.' Yeah, that's it…" Saffron explained with her mischievous eyes twinkling. "I'd love to get to know you, but I have a croquet game to get ready for. Let's go."

The frog followed her through a door and River spun on her toes to get out of the house.

"Going so soon?" the cat inquired. "Won't you stay for soup?"

Monty sneezed into the broth and continued to stir. She snarled and picked up her pace. "Have to go. Brother may be worried."

"But I don't want to be stuck here alone! You seem like fun," the cat whined. "I can't go with you unless the Duchess says I can."

"Ask her," Monty suggested. "You're just a cat. An annoying one. She'll be glad to see you go. The woman won't let me leave! I'm her husband! One of them!"

"Hahahahaha," the cat wickedly smirked. "Mine is an evil laugh."

Monty threw a pan at him and he merely floated above it, swishing his tail back and forth like a pendulum.

They had just started another row before River left the house. She stormed off angrily cursing and repeating, "Thieving, red-headed, seductress! Tried to take _my_ ship and _my_ Captain…"

A loud clunk echoed above her and leaves rained from the heaves. She jumped back and gazed up at the tree to see who was there.


	6. Chapter 6

"Thought you couldn't leave."

"The Duchess heard the fight and told me to take a stroll," the cat shrugged, hanging from the branches of the tree upside-down. "Where we going?"  
"Don't know. I'm lost."

He smiled wider and started to spin slowly, laughing. "Lost or turned about?"

"My location is undetermined at this time. I cannot calculate the trajectory of this place."

"Ah, it is a fertile land…" he purred. "Never fear, I know how to help you get un-lost. You're frontways-sideward and you need to be backways-parallel and a little to the left. Go that way," he pointed to the right, "and then go that way," he pointed to the left, "and then this way," he pointed up, "and then turn around three times, go back left, and put your right foot in…you take your right foot out…"

She huffed. "Doesn't make sense."

"It makes perfect sense! Follow my directions and you'll stumble onto _fo gantian wuhui zhong shangtian_! Have fun…" he waved and began to fade until only his grin remained.

"Grin without a cat," she stated, heading towards the right, "cat without a brain."

"Hey!" the grin hissed. "My brain is fine, thank you."

Her eyes twirled with a grunt, and she padded on the path the cat told her to take. It seemed to be hours before the scenery changed at all. Finally, the trees started to scatter and the thicket thinned. She turned her head curiously to the side upon reaching a small house. The house itself wasn't the point of interest. On the lawn in front of it, there was a large table covered with tea kettles and cups. Two figures sat in a few of the many chairs. One appeared to be a rabbit of some kind.

She got closer and the hare looked over at her. "We've got company, sir," the hare stated calmly, suddenly laughing. The figure at the head of the table joined in her laughter.

"We've got company," the figure repeated to a small speck in a cup beside him.

The mouse jolted awake and vigorously waved. "Hi! I know her! Her name's River! How shiny! I'm gonna go back to sleep now."

She curled back up and dosed off. River stepped even closer to the table. The hare looked her over and motioned to a chair. "Care to have tea?" the hare offered. "It's good stuff."

She nodded and gracefully joined the tea party, figuring that the hare must be Zoe. The figure on her left looked up from beneath a bonnet. Her breathing hitched when he smiled, and she muttered, "Captain?"

"Na. I'm a hatter."

"He's a hatter," the hare repeated. They both laughed.

"You want some tea, darlin'?" he asked her. She inclined her head and he poured her a cup.

She smelled the spicy scent of whiskey coming from the liquid and the hare quickly took it from her.

"You'll want half a cup," the hare stated, breaking the cup in half and then giggling, "Oops. Sorry, sir."

"Na. It's fine," the hatter slurred. "Never did like that cup anyhow."

They knotted in chortles and he finally regained composure, turning to River and asking, "Why is a writing desk like an albatross?"

Her mind shifted into genius gear, but through all of the equations and mathematical possibilities, she couldn't find the answer. "I…I don't…there's no logical answer for an illogical question!" she finally exclaimed.

"Oh good, 'cause I didn't know no answer either…" he responded, holding a serious expression and then laughing. He managed to ask through the giggles, "What's the second rule of flying?"

The hare leaned over and whispered, "He don't know that neither."

Then, they both laughed.

She folded her arms. At least drunk Captain wasn't getting married again.

"Oh, oh, I got a good one. Sing with me if you know it," the hatter began. He took a sip of tea and started it, "Twinkle, twinkle little reaver, how I wonder when you'll eat her!" the mouse leapt up and joined in along with the hare, "Up above the 'verse you fly, like a demon in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle little reaver, how I wonder when you'll eat her!"

River gaped at the laughing trio. What a terrible poem! She got up to leave.

"Where you goin'?" the hatter inquired. "Sit and stay awhile."

"Can't. Have to get home."

"But ain't home right here?" he pouted.

She reminded herself that Captain wasn't Captain—he was a hatter. With that knowledge, she decided to walk away. They started singing that dreadful song again, so she started to run, clutching her ears to a close.

The more time she spent in this place, the more she grew to dislike it. Badger, the Operative, and Saffron were there, her crew wasn't her crew, Book's Bible was even more broken, Captain was drunk and singing of Reavers…

Where had she fallen? What had she fallen into? But most importantly…

How did she get out?

_(fo gantian wuhui zhong shangtian-_ _Buddha's sweet party in Heaven)_


	7. Chapter 7

Shots of pain and exhaustion crawled through her legs. She wasn't sure how much further she could go without stopping to nap. It felt like it had been hours since she first chased after the rabbit. Simon had to be looking everywhere for her. Captain and crew would be looking too.

The untamed masses of foliage were completely gone, and only the neatest plants lined the path. The sharp, dusty ground was replaced with a cobblestone sidewalk of sorts, and she knew that she must be in the good part of this place of wonders.

Sure enough, upon following a curve, she arrived in a garden on a large estate. Silently, she roamed the grounds, until her feet halted at a rather peculiar tree. Within each of its cherry blossoms, a little man sat. She leaned down for a closer look, only for the blossom to be snapped off by an unidentified hand. Her eyes traveled up the arm to the head attached to a playing card. Two other card people were on the opposite side, cutting away the blossoms in a hurry.

"Quick! Before the Queen gets here!" the card with the Chinese character for _three_ exclaimed.

"She won't be pleased if we don't hurry," the eight card agreed.

"We wouldn't want that," the five sighed, snipping two away at a time.

River studied them, trying to place the voices. She had never heard them for herself, but she had heard them before in a mind. Which mind? Maybe if she knew what they were doing, she could remember.

"Snip, snip, fall," she affirmed, moving one that had landed at her foot with her toes. "Why do cut them?"

"The Queen only likes certain late-bloomers," the five harshly spoke. "We aren't pleased when the Queen is unhappy."

"She'll cut us off," the three card said fearfully. "She's been known to do that."

A trumpet sounded and a procession of cards traveled by them, the rabbit in the vest following closely behind. She saw him and her eyelids widened. "Rabbit-brother," she said, deciding to chase after him while the three cards worked to rid the tree of blossoms in a hurry.

The row of cards stopped in a big field, and the rabbit stood on a podium. He waited for the horns to stop and then shouted loudly, "The Queen and her competition, the Duchess!"

River's eyes became venomous slits as Saffron wandered onto the field with the frog lugging her equipment. Then, the Queen came onto the field with one of the cards carrying her bags. She took a closer look at the Queen, and it made sense.

"Inara," she said slowly, reciting her past clients and three blossom-snipping cards, "Atherton Wing, the Councilor, Fess Higgins."

The Queen—Inara —spotted her standing on the edge of the playing field. "Who is this?" she asked kindly. "Speak your name."

"River."

"She stopped by my house today," the Duchess—Saffron —commented. "She hadn't heard of me."

"Interesting. Have you heard of me, River?"

"Yes," she weakly responded. "The Queen."

"Yes. Would you like to play some croquet?" the Queen offered.

She shifted uncomfortably. "Don't know how. Need to get home."

"Hmm. Well, I'd like it for you to play. If you don't, _off with your head! _…dear…" she ended with a pretty smile and then took a dinosaur mallet from her bag. "You'll play with this one. Now."

River hesitantly took it from her. The Duchess took a similar dinosaur from her things, as did the Queen. The balls were ice planets, and the hoops were various members from the Queen's deck of cards. She watched them play, observed the game and their false smiles, and then gave it a try. It wasn't long before the women and their acts fell apart. They couldn't continue to be polite to one another, and thus began the mallet sword fight.

"_Fengdian semi muquan_!" the Queen shouted. "You stole my tarts!"

"I did no such thing! Your tarts are just fine!"

"Liar!"

The battle continued and River took several small steps to leave, even though it was entertaining to watch the Queen beat the crap out of the thief.

"Your tarts are right where you left them!" the Duchess cried, ducking a swing of the roaring dino-mallet.

"It's untrue!" the rabbit shouted. "I went to make sure the Duchess had her things for the game, and your tarts were gone!"

"She didn't take them!" the frog bellowed. "I was with her all afternoon, as was her husband the cook."

The cat magically appeared on the Duchess's shoulder, smiling. "Kermit's telling the truth. She was with them all day."

"But I know who took them!" the frog continued.

"Who?" the Queen demanded. "Who took my tarts?"

"You know who, Majesty. The hare and her husband the cat know of his terrors. They know of his plot to get revenge on your tarts!" the frog announced.

"It's true. He's a bad man with a tart fetish!" the cat said, unable to keep a straight face.

The Queen dropped the mallet. "We must have trial! Bring forth everyone from the Wonderverse! Everyone! I must find my tarts!"

The cards began to scour the land for witnesses. River backed away, trying to vanish without having to attend the trial. However, the cards seized her and started to pull her towards the estate. She fought back, but it was hard to break a playing card without a blade. Eventually, she grew too tired and gave in, allowing them to throw her onto the bench of witnesses with everyone else in land.

(_Fengdian semi muquan- crazy, horny girl dog)_


	8. Chapter 8

The whole gang was there: the rabbit, the mouse, the dodo, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Bill the Lizard, the caterpillar, the frog, the cook, the cat, the Duchess, the hare, the pack of cards, and the Queen. The only missing person was the hatter, and the mystery man that was accused of stealing the Queen's tarts.

"First up, the rabbit!" the Queen demanded, and the nervous bunny hopped onto the stand. "When did you last see my tarts?"

"On the way back from Bill the Lizard's house. They were fine."

"But they weren't there when you passed back by a short time later?"

"No, Majesty."

She seemed satisfied. The cook was next, attesting to the Duchess and her whereabouts. It was very difficult to pay attention to the trial with Tweedledee and Tweedledum arguing in whispers near her ear. River finally turned to them and shouted in their accent, "Knock it off, precious!"

They grew silent, but the Queen was reminded that she was there.

"You. River. You're up," she said, batting her eyes prettily. "Tell the truth of it's _off with your head! _Alright?"

She cautiously nodded with a stifled, "Yes."

"Did you see my tarts?"

"No."

"Did you see who took them?"

"No."

"Are you working for the Knave of Hearts?"

"Don't know him."

The Queen didn't buy it. "Bring out the Knave!" she shouted and her cards quickly brought the Knave out. He stood next to River, silent with an icy stare. "Do you know this girl?" the Queen inquired coolly.

"I have never seen this girl."

"She claims she doesn't know you," the Queen continued.

"I have reputation, yes? She should know me."

River's heart stopped. That voice was in Captain's worst nightmares and Wash's sometimes too. "Niska," she hissed, stepping off of the stand.

"Did you take my tarts, Knave?" the Queen roared.

"I take no tarts. They are fine. I have proof!" the Knave—Niska—screeched in reply. "Your tarts are here! Bring the tarts!"

His men carried the hatter—he was unharmed—between them.

"My tarts!" the Queen said happily. "Oh, my tarts are here!"

The hatter looked around in confusion. "Am I missing something here?"

"We thought you was took!" the mouse squeaked.

"You 'n that girly bonnet," the dodo laughed.

"Huh," the hatter shrugged. "Can't a man go for a walk without everything goin' pear-shaped?"

The Queen got off of her couch and started to float towards him, gushing and gushing about how worried she was. The Duchess then stood, shoving the Queen back.

"I'm taking your tarts!" the Duchess announced. "He's mine. We're married."

"_We're_ married!" the cook—Monty—corrected.

"I'm married to him too. He got sloppy drunk at tea today," the Duchess answered.

The Queen gaped at the hatter. "You married this woman?"

"I don't think so," the hatter responded unsurely.

"You were pretty drunk, sir…" the hare giggled.

"You aren't taking _my_ tarts," the Queen growled.

"Wanna bet?" the Duchess returned.

Just like that, chaos fell over the trial. Knave-Niska ran from the scene with his men, Queen Inara and Duchess Saffron began a cat fight, Tweedle-Fanty and Tweedle-Mingo stood up and started to shout at each other, Monty-cook sprinkled pepper all over the ground making the Operative-frog gag, Kaylee-mouse scurried fearfully into rabbit-brother's vest pocket, the dodo started a fight with one of the cards—caterpillar-preacher on his back, Badger-Bill slithered into a nearby hedge to watch the scuffle, cat-Wash pulled Zoe-hare out of the range of fire, and Captain hatter watched in amazement.

"We're in the wrong story! Now there's a girl that won't hear our walrus poem!" Tweedle-Fanty cried, attempting to strangle his twin.

"You're the one that led us here!" Tweedle-Mingo choked, kicking Tweedle-Fanty in the shin.

"Baby, to your left," Zoe-hare informed cat-Wash, who ducked the wrath of the nine card.

"Join the fight ya coward," the dodo hissed at the whimpering Badger-Bill.

"This ain't shiny!" Kaylee-mouse cried.

The rabbit took her away before Operative-frog flew into the air where they had just been. Monty-cook had thrown him there, taking out all of his frustrations on the amphibian for his marital problems. Queen Inara had the Duchess in a hair pull and everyone but Badger-Bill and the hatter were in some sort of fight. River kicked one card back and knocked another down, but then something stopped her.

"You know what the first rule of flying is?" Captain hatter queried, taking a hold of her elbow. She smiled and he held a branch on one of the cards, slowly turning and saying, "I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you."

With that, he pulled her away from the fight and some of the others followed. They didn't stop running until they reached rabbit-brother and Kaylee-mouse in a pretty field. Zoe-hare and cat-Wash followed, as did the dodo and caterpillar-preacher. From the sounds floating to them, the fight over the tarts hadn't stopped.

River looked around at the strange creatures that represented her crew, and a soft smile played on her lips.

"You know, you ain't quite right," Captain hatter stated, walking her to a hole under a tree.

"That's the popular theory."

"Go on, get in there and give your brother a thrashin' for leavin' you with nothin' to do."

She waved to the others, taking in the sight of Zoe-hare and cat-Wash together and caterpillar-preacher smoking with the dodo once again. She made a face at Kaylee-mouse cuddling with rabbit-brother, and then turned to Captain hatter.

"Love," she said seriously, answering Captain hatter's question. "First rule of flying."

He grinned and moved closer to her. She closed her eyes in anticipation and found herself pushed down yet another rabbit hole.


	9. Chapter 9

"River? _River_?" a voice called to her.

Her eyes fluttered to an open, and she found Mal standing over her in the infirmary, holding an icepack to his jaw.

"Captain?" she asked with a yawn.

"You were thrashin' about in your sleep. You okay?"

"Sleep?"

He nodded. "You were asleep when the doc went back to fetch you from the bank. He put you in here to keep a watch on us."

A perplex expression crossed her face. "Us?"

"Seems you told him somethin' that made him think that we were…" he cleared his throat, faltering to find the word, "…together."

"Just said you liked me."

"Well, he took it all sorts of wrong and punched me in the face. Thanks for that."

She smirked wickedly and stared at his head. "Pretty floral bonnet."

"Huh?"

"Dreamed you were a hatter in a bonnet. Simon was a rabbit in a vest. Kaylee was a mouse. Jayne—a dodo. Zoe—a hare. Wash was a cat with a grin. Preacher was a confused caterpillar. Inara was the Queen of Hearts."

He chuckled and sat on the infirmary bed next to the counter, wincing and gently massaging the black mark on his face. "Anyone else there?"

"Inara's clients were playing cards. Fanty and Mingo were Tweedledee and Tweedledum, but they weren't in the right story. Badger was a lizard. The Duchess was the red-headed thief—Saffron. Monty was her cook and the Alliance man was her frog footman. There was a big fight over Queen Inara's tarts. Thought the Knave Niska had them, but he didn't. Duchess and Queen had a fight over those tarts, but the tarts chose me."

He had the blank look in his eyes that he always got when she spoke. Finally, he figured he should nod or say something, so he did. "That's some dream."

She smiled. "It was." The smile faded and she added, "But then it was bad. Nothing made sense. Couldn't hear anything or calculate time or answers to riddles you said. Had to play croquet with dinosaurs. Never played before."

Simon wandered in, glaring at Mal. "I see she's awake now."

"That she is, doc. Now River, tell him there ain't anything between us."

"Nothing," she repeated, trying to sound assuring.

"You said he liked you."

"Does in a captain-y way."

Mal nodded gratefully and Simon folded his arms, unconvinced. "I wasn't born yesterday. You two spend hours on the bridge together. How do I know that you're just flying?"

"Have we fallen out of the sky yet?" Mal joked.

Simon shook his head. "Fine, nothing is going on, but I better not catch you doing anything."

"No worries, doc. We're just a captain and a pilot," he grinned.

There was a pause and Simon walked out. River got up and quickly kissed Mal's cheek, murmuring, "Why is a writing desk like an albatross?"

He was too dazed from the kiss to say much of anything, so she answered, "They both have secrets that only a reader can know." She smiled at him and added, "See you on the bridge, Captain Tarts."

She skipped away, leaving Mal in his own 'verse to wonder.

**The end**


End file.
